Sunshine and Showers

…for anyone who wants to know why I write x

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“Screw patience. Screw waiting. I want to be someone’s choice.” -Emily Owens, M.D.

Musings… To Be Continued

I want a life full of moments: big ones, little ones, simple ones, extravagant ones…. I don’t really care, I’m not picky. I just don’t want a single one of those moments to go by wasted, without me taking full advantage of them, without me living them to the fullest, without me making sure what it feels like to be right there in that moment, the only one like no other….
I want a life of simple pleasures. I want a love with no drama. I want coffee in the mornings and a glass of good wine in the evenings. I want to sit on the couch and read a book or watch something funny on tv — something like what Chelsea Handler or Mindy Kaling would pull. Something just really, seriously funny. I’m so tired of crying. I am so tired of feeling sad all the time. I am so tired of being stressed out and taking myself seriously. I just want to laugh.
I want best friends. I want music. I want kissing. I want cooking and dancing and playing the Wii. I want to go bowling and roller skating and ice skating for the first time in my life. I want to get drunk as hell and do something stupid — like take all my clothes off and jump in the swimming pool.

To Forget Or Not to Forget

I don’t want him to suffer. I don’t want him to pine for me. I don’t want him to walk the rest of his life wondering what might have been. I don’t want him to miss me or even think about me at all. I just want him to forget. I just want to be able to forget. I just want to go back to a time before there was all this distance and these words left unsaid between us. Or I never want to see him again. I want there to be so much literal distance and time between us that what happened just seems like a dream, like something that could not have possibly been real. But unfortunately, it was real… it was the realest thing that ever happened to me. And it’s still too real. This pain, the nauseating feeling that I get in my stomach every time I lay my eyes on his angel’s face, it’s real and it’s not going anywhere. And do I really want to forget? Do I really? No. Because if I forgot him, that would mean I would forget the best days of my life so far. It would mean I would forget the lessons he taught me and I would become again the hideous beast I once was: the selfish, thoughtless monster that nearly consumed me. And it did consume what might have been between us. It consumed the would-be passionate kisses and soft whispers and gentle touches. It consumed the vulnerability and the trust and the love that might have been and immediately walls of the coldest, hardest steel shot up between us. And it was over, just like that. All because I was scared. No, I don’t want to forget him. I hope I never, ever forget.

Excerpt From My Journal

November 9th:

It’s conversations like the one I had wih him that night that I wish I could have recorded permanently in my brain to play back when I’m feeling sad or stressed or when I just want to appreciate the good things in my life. I have experienced a lot of hardships, but the greatest blessing God has given me is the opportunity to meet and talk to and grow close with the people that I have. Sometimes I wonder why we even try to find love and happiness and friendship because there is so much heartache and tragedy and betrayal in the world. It often seems like we are fighting a war we have already lost. But I am learning that it is worth all of the heartache I will inevitably face just to have certain beautiful people in my life for even the shortest amount of time. So I don’t ask God to prevent me from being hurt or to make the pain go away when it has already arrived. I pray that God will allow me to love this person with all of my heart or at least as much as I can for as long as I can.

Having a Coke with You

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them

I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully
as the horse

it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it

by Frank O’Hara

The Problem of Forgiveness

Kobe's Blog

Many people do not know how to forgive. As Christians, we know that it is our duty to forgive because the Bible commands this of us, however we simply do not know how to go about forgiving others. Aside from forgiving others, we also do not know how to ask for forgiveness when we have sinned against somebody. The reason why we do not know how to do either of these things is because we fail to apply the gospel to practical situations that occur in our daily lives.

A quote from Tim Keller states that “The Gospel says that we are simultaneously more sinful then we ever imagined & that we are more loved & accepted then we ever dared to hope. The Gospel says that the bad news is worst then what we thought it was we are actually worst then what we thought, The Good News is we…

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“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
― Mother Teresa